Doubting God’s love is something I suspect we all can relate to feeling. I know I personally go through seasons of spiritual idleness. And I, like Edwards and many other people, suffer bouts of depression. The feeling of hopelessness is a sentiment I know as well as anyone. Similarly, I (as a genuine introvert) can often be found dwelling in regret.
The added levels of stress or undesired complacency that inevitably come in life are no help, either!
Feeling stuck is a true condition. And when you are feeling stuck, it’s easy to feel both unloved and unlovable.
Don’t believe the (lack of) hype, though. Your own self-talk is a big-time buzzkill, and really doesn’t belong in your head. If you are feeling that lack of love and lovableness, fear not.
Jonathan Edwards Resolution 25
Edwards’ Resolution #25 (in my modernized language)
I’ll regularly identify things inside me that causes doubting of God’s love and then direct all my will against it.
Jonathan Edwards on Doubting God
While reflecting well after first making his resolutions as a youth, Edwards shares of his own doubting of God earlier in life. For instance, in his journal, he shares that he objected to the doctrine of sovereignty.
Specifically, he could not rationalize how God may grant salvation to one person and damnation to the next.
In short, he felt God was too prone withholding love from select individuals and, therefore, to injustice.
As he learned more about God and God’s grace, he came to not only accept that sovereignty, but take delight in it. It was following his reading of 1 Timothy 1:17, which appears to be quoted from the King James Version, that he has this dynamic change of heart.
[special]Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honour and glory for ever and ever. Amen. – 1 Timothy 1:17 (KJV)[/special]
Edwards says:
“As I read the words, there came into my soul, and was as it were diffused through it, a sense of the glory of the Divine Being; a new sense, quite different from anything I ever experienced before. Never any words of Scripture seemed to me as these words did. I thought with myself, how excellent a Being that was, and how happy I should be, if I might enjoy that God, and be rapt up to him in heaven, and be as it were swallowed up in him forever!”
Jonathan Edwards’ Doubting of God is Transformed
Edwards continues, speaking of how he began to discover and see God in everything from clouds and streams to solitary wilderness. Everything captured the power and majesty of God and his grace. Clearly, his perspective had been transformed. As if there were doubting, he continues…
And scarce any thing, among all the works of nature, was so sweet to me as thunder and lightning; formerly no thing had been so terrible to me. Before, I used to be uncommonly terrified with thunder, and to be struck with terror when I saw a thunder-storm rising; but now, on the contrary, it rejoiced me.
Let that sink in for a moment. Something that literally frightened Edwards now becoming a reason for rejoicing. Only the power of the Holy Spirit can prompt such sudden shifts!
Before concluding, he echoes the words of Psalm 119:20, saying “My soul breaketh for the longing it hath.”
As he states it, he was often mourning and lamenting in his own heart for having not turned to God sooner. I sometimes find myself with the same regrets, but I also lean into knowing God had it all figured out and brought me into the flock at just the right time.
All according to his plan.
(Note: this information is pulled from Chapter 5 of The Life Of President Edwards)
When doubting God’s love, it can feel like we are stuck. In spiritual idleness. But don’t believe the lack of hype. Your are you to argue with our God who says he loves you? After all, he’s God, and you’re not.
Pray for Our Earthly Kings, Worship the One True King
During the Roman age, the practice of worshiping emperors sometimes created persecution of early Christians because they declined to participate. However, our earthly “kings” – no matter who or what they may be – are flawed. They will no-doubt experience fall. We will, in turn, be disappointed.
For reasons such as this, we must pray for them.
On the other hand, God is the one immortal and infallible king of kings. He is the beginning and end. The creator of all things. And, the First Timothy passage that transforms Edwards is a tale of a creator and his relationship with his creation. In it, Paul is presenting what God had done in the Apostle’s life. Upon pondering it, he has no alternative than to turn to praise and worship.
Just as Edwards did.
It’s also important to note that Paul also details the attributes of God, which separates Him from us. It’s not just his love (nor is it just his grace and patience). God is drastically different.
God is king. We are servants.
God is immortal. We suffer earthly deaths.
In short: He is God and we are not!
The Holy Spirit Speaks to and Transforms us
Edwards reflects that “something” entered into his soul and that it “diffused” him. In his new calmness, he finds a “new” sense of being and feels the presence of God. It was not like anything he’d ever previously experienced.
Like Edwards, let’s be provoked into bowing. For such a being grants saving mercy on sinners like us.
If life is lacking that spark to honor and worship God, or you can’t recall the last time you felt assured of his love, maybe it’s time to pause and reflect upon your experiences in him. Identify the root of what is causing this feeling of doubting God’s love and seek to cast it out.
For, remember, He is God. You are not. If he says he loves his sons and daughters (that’s us), let us believe!