I don’t know how it goes in other countries, but the U.S. culture certainly has an interesting relationship with the concept of shame. On the one hand, it seems that nobody has any shame. In addition, people are constantly thrusting themselves into attention seeking spotlights through antics and displays.
It’s only amped up through the prevalence of reality TV and the fluidity of social media. On the other hand, though, we might find shame to have a crippling impact on someone’s life. Unfortunately, such people often refuse to admit it, and instead harbor a victim mentality, always blaming others for their hardships or dysfunction.
As I consider Edwards’ 19th resolution and our culture, I have to wonder if the Devil is hiding us from our shame to keep us distant from God.
Why? Because humility is a necessary ingredient for submission. And submission of our hearts is what God seeks.
In hiding us from our own shame, the Devil keeps us ignorant to humility. And all the more distant from God or the pursuit of discipleship.
Some heavy thoughts for sure, so let’s explore it more.
Jonathan Edwards Resolution 19
Edwards’ Resolution #19 (in my modernized language) Never do anything I’d be ashamed of if Jesus’ return were soon.
The shame of the cross was endured by Christ. He became less than human so we may live. In light of this unmatchable love, I am not ashamed.
My Personal Story of Shame
I detail a season of heightened darkness and brokenness in my book, Listen Up, Kids. I, of course, welcome you to give that a read. But, here’s the abbreviated version:
Life and career conditions brought me to despair. I was ineffective at my job, doing poorly as a father, and lacking at being a respectable husband. Naturally, I was drowning emotionally and questioning my existence. I kept asking “what the heck happened to me?” For whatever reason, I was no longer the highly capable person I once was. No longer was I able to make decisions, act, or even find the a ray of light in my life.
This season took me a journey. After a great deal of prayer, research, and examination, I came to understand how the theme of unresolved shame silently woven into my life.
You see, as a child, I heard things like “shame on you” and “you should be ashamed of yourself” from my parents. In many cases, I heard it in response to simple “kids being kids” actions. Other times, I took shameful moments and experiences deeply to heart.
I was ashamed things I had done. Heck, I had police called on me twice before I was ten-years-old! And then, there was that time a neighbor caught me in a shameful act and spanked me so hard I wet myself! In addition to that, though, I was ashamed of who I was. I found shame in my parents divorce. There was shame for being on food stamps. Having frequent broken down automobiles was shameful. I derived shame from having to have a paper route, my weak physique. Perhaps most shameful of all was my introverted nature.
Why We Feel Shame
Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame… she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves.
When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” – Genesis 2:25, 3:6-9 NLT
Adam and Eve were given the world. Each other. The Garden. And, best of all, relationship with God. The perfect creation and existence. There is no evidence to suggest they ever knew shame. And then the serpent deceived them. Their pride and desire led to them disobeying God by eating the forbidden fruit.
In an instant, they saw their nakedness. For the first time, they experienced what it meant to be exposed. To be vulnerable. In their shame, they covered themselves and hid from God.
They were afraid of God and God’s response to them. So they hid. And, ironically, they hid from the one source of help. The one source that they needed most.
Why We Don’t feel Shame
Since the fall of Adam and Eve, we have all had an innate instinct to also hide ourselves. Sin is present in us. In our weakness, our pride is our undoing. Worldly pressures compel us to live up to the expectations of others, to “keep up with the Joneses” and to perhaps live in ways that are counter to our values.
It seems that we’ll go to any length to hide our most shameful byproducts from others. “This means pride-fueled shame can wield great power over us. It controls significant parts of our lives and consumes precious energy and time in avoiding exposure” (this, according to John Bloom).
Today, we live in a culture where we are constantly told to feel good about ourselves, that we are empowered, that we have the right to whatever makes us happy, etc. And we are rewarded for things that make us stand out, appear unique, etc. Those things are often the outlandish.
Take for instance, Dennis Rodman appearing on a magazine cover in wedding dress. Pretty mild by today’s standards. Was wild and crazy at the time.
What about the time when a 17-year-old high school student, on national television, asked presidential candidate Bill Clinton about his underwear? To his credit, Clinton answered the question: “Usually briefs,” and then noted that “I can’t believe she did that.”
Sort of shocking then, but completely typical by today’s standards. Heck, what transpired in that very presidency made the girl’s question a minor blip on the shame meter.
As a society, our moral standards have degraded. As the moral standards degrade, the gap between us and our God becomes more like a chasm. No longer are we experiencing shame. Yet, even worse, no longer are we exhibiting humility as a result.
When We Should Feel Shame
It’s important to remember that we humans are flawed beings. And, because of our flawed nature, which has existed from the days of Adam and Eve, we must recognize we sinners. While we cannot put our own end to that sin, we should pursue it as part of a desire to serve a higher moral standard.
As a desire to serve our God, the one source of true freedom and forgiveness.
That’s what it means to have humility.
When Shame is Okay, or Not
We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. – Hebrews 12:2 NLT
Shame is a personal emotion. Shame, according to psychologists, “will be felt when we anticipate being viewed as lacking or inadequate in our intellect, appearance, or abilities” and “when shame is experienced the deterioration of an esteemed sense of self can be devastating” leading to envy, rage, anxiety, sadness, depression, loneliness, and emptiness.
We all experience those feelings, and it’s likely that shame is the root of them. I’ve been there. And I can say, that last one, emptiness, is a vile beast. It leads to toxic shame.
Toxic shame is not good. It sometimes has fatal outcomes.
Believing yourself too far gone or no good to God also undercuts God. It’s saying he’s not big enough to save you. We forget that the cross, in addition to intense torture, was an incredibly shameful method of death. In her book, The Crucifixion: Understanding the Death of Jesus Christ, Fleming Rutledge notes that “Crucifixion as a means of execution in the Roman Empire had as its express purpose the elimination of victims from consideration as members of the human race.”
Jesus submitted to crucifixion – for you and me. He, in human form, allowed himself to become considered less than human for the sake of saving humanity.
I think about this. And I remember the unparalleled, inefficient love that God has for the children adopted into his family. I consider all that, and the race to which he has established for me, and I can’t help but not be ashamed.